Fashion Advice For Young Ladies

First, a caveat. I realize that I am not, in any way, an authority on fashion. I dress like a slob most of the time and usually never have the right shoes for any given outfit. 

I do, however, consider myself an expert on making fun of bad looks. But, as a feminist I should tell you that you can wear whatever you want and you shouldn’t listen to me or the media or the horrible men of the world – be strong in who you are and express yourself. But really, you should listen to me and do what I say. 

So hear me young ladies. These are some things you need to know before you leave the house looking like that.

It’s March. I don’t care if spring is in the air. It’s too early for flip flops.

No flip flops until after the May long weekend, unless you’re in Winnipeg where there is still snow on the ground then.

You need to wear a slip with a white skirt.

No platform patent heels before lunch, otherwise you look like you are doing the morning after walk of shame.  Sexy secretaries are the exception.

The only kind of choker to wear is one of pearls or diamonds. Anything else looks like a dotted line or that your neck is too fat.

Uggs. Wrong. Stupid. Wrong. Just stop.

Do not wear t-shirts that makes you an obvious billboard. Printing on shirts is usually declasse unless it involves unicorns, kittens in space or TV show quotes.  Wearing a shirt that says:

well, it’s gross. And I hate it. It means you shop at that store, which means you’re a douche who has very good eyesight and a high tolerance for having air freshener blasted into your face every 10 seconds.

No one likes the smell of patchouli and if they do they aren’t the sort with whom you should associate if you are lady of good breeding.

Also, why, why, why, would you wear sweats with the word Juicy emblazoned on the butt? 

It’s never classy. I mean, what are you saying? There’s a high likelihood of diarrhea in there? I think “Warning” or “Contents Volatile” would be the better, more honest ass slogan. Really, I do.

Young ladies, why are you endorsing a brand called T-N-A? WTF!

T-N-A is the same company as the store Aritzia, the clothing store for young ladies who want to look unemployed and hungover. You need to know that even my extensive training in social work will not keep me from classifying you as pathetic trash. T N A.  For Christ’s sake, that’s stupid.

 Why are there no brands called “Super Feminist”, or “4.0 GPA.  I mean, if you have an awesome body, you don’t need to spell it out for people. We can see. You should show that you can be a wicked hottie AND be all mensa. "Intellectual Booty Jeans". "Smarty Pants". "Clever Boots".

 And Applebottoms? Really? All that is, is an invitation for men to look at you and say that “yes, she is indeed an applebottom” or “she has no right to wear that brand as she is not an Applebottom and therefore is a liar”. 

Men don’t like it when we try to pull one over on them.

I don’t mean to rag on anyone in particular. I’ve made all of these errors myself and worse ones, too. There was a brand of jeans, back when I was in Junior High, called “Fancy Ass”. I had a pair of Fancy Ass jeans.

 I was 14 and was thin-ish for a few seconds. But still, I was 14. I did NOT have a “fancy” ass. My ass had only been in puberty for a couple years. Nothing fancy about that. Plus, I am of Scottish heritage, so my ass was wide, flat and probably woolen. Not an applebottom. Maybe they should have a brand of jeans called Moderately Overweight Prairie Girl Jeans.

My pants are always floods.

I dress like someone who has basically given up. And there is freedom in that.

But still you should take my advice.