Foodie Friday - Merry Binge-mas

My “fat” jeans are tight.

And here is the reason

I’m eating my way

Through the holiday season.

I spent November baking

Cookies and candies

And now I’m upset

‘Cause I can’t fit my panties

Or bra, dress or leggings

They’re all burst at the seams

Due to the sugarplums

Not just in my dreams

I spill out of my clothes

As I swill out on cheeses

I blame it all on

This season of Jesus.

For wasn’t it said

In the Old Testament Tale

That to truly love God

One must eat like a whale?

So really I’m doing

My true Christian duty

By stuffing my face

And expanding my booty.

As much as I love

the sweet salty tastes

It spells a full year

Of elasticized waists

And a full month of guilt

A sad January

Of seeing myself

As fat, ugly and hairy

Is it all worth it,

To eat like a glutton?

It just gives me gas

And a bursting pants button.

I suppose it is,

or I wouldn’t persist

In gorging on sweets

On the following list:

Almonds and pralines

And a chocolate torte

Brittle of peanut

Breads ginger and short

Fudges with nuts

Fudges without

(I’m wondering why Brian

Now says that I’m “stout”)

I’ll have a hot toddy

That begs for another

With chocolates that’d make you

Forsake your own mother

Peppermint bark

Made in my home -  A

Box of the same

From Williams-Sonom - a

Chocolate haystacks

I begged from my friend Ryan

Peppermint patties

I’m hiding from Brian.

Wafers of sugar

Striped vinnetarte

Imperial Cookies

Cakes whole, and in part.

Coconut clusters 

Lemony pies

A deluded belief

That the scale tells me lies

Must not forget chips

And cheese by the block

Crackers and french bread

Tins o' Poppycock

Gran Marnier and brandy

Mulled wine and grog

Hot cocoa and Baileys

Spiced rum and egg nog

With all of this food

For the season’s duration

It’s no wonder we all

Give in to temptation

So don’t beat yourself up

If you’re a little more round

Except for damned Kathryn

Who “won’t gain a pound”.

I hope that you’ll join me

I know that you will

In feeding your sweet self

Until you feel ill.

To eat, it is human

To gorge, it’s divine

So ease up the rules

Just for Christmas time.

There’s a time for feasting

A time to toast plenty

A time for Weight Watchers

A time for Craig, Jenny

I’ll see all of you 

On January One

All of us shame faced

At the damage we’d done

To our bodies and health

O’er the holiday season

Our hearts all cry “Mutiny”

Our arteries “Treason”.

We’ll drag all our asses

To treads and to Spins

To work off all of our 

Holy Days Sins

And while we’re all sweating

And bemoaning each mile

We all can take comfort

We’ll all have a smile

For misery likes comp’ny

We’re all Pigs of a Feather

I’m happy to know

We’re all fat together.

Go ahead.

Have another cookie..

xo

Elpoo