Queen Jealousy

I want to be clear off the top that I am grateful for all that I have in life. I’ve got a pretty sweet deal, it’s true and I frequently feel some guilty discomfort caused by the horseshoe lodged in my ass. However, my good fortune and the awareness of such  does not preclude my become apoplectic  with jealousy toward certain individuals whose horseshoe is seemingly larger or shinier than mine. Or at least, just colon shaped so as not to cause them irritation.

Here follows a mere dribbling of a sample of the people  whose qualities I wish would rub off on me.

Amy Poelher -  Funny and Clever. Tina’s best friend. Whatever Amy’s got, I have to get me some so I can become Tina Feys’ BFF. 

Jane W. - Socially and Politically Adept. Jane can be in a room full of bikers. Or a room full of tea-totaling Mormons. Or a room full of children dressed as various fruits and vegetables. It doesn’t matter. She can initiate and maintain a meaningful conversation with any of these groups. She’s the only person I know who looks fabulous in either a pinafore or a black cocktail dress. She is politically aware, socially conscious and when she believes in something she walks the walk. Ate locally before it was “a thing”. 

Melody Gardot. Singer.  http://www.melodygardot.com/  Like I used to feel about Annie Lennox - couldn’t even listen to her without pulling my hair out from envy. But I’ve matured and now can listen to Melody Gardot and can enjoy it without turning green with envy. Makes you almost want to have a broken heart because you’d know you could turn to Melody Gardot to make it all seem so much more poignant and tragic. She would be my soundtrack for heartache.

My Brother - Musician/Nurse/SIngle Dad. Can look at a musical instrument and within 2 hours is proficient. He got a banjo for Christmas and within the day he was smoking on dueling banjos. He also knows all of the answers on Jeopardy. Can eat a bag of cookies a day without getting fat. I know. I’m not sure he’s actually a human. Helps people who are old and scared and fragile as they navigate their final years on earth. Does his absolute best every single day. Deserves a medal.

Felicity M. Athlete. Does a couple Iron Man Triathlons a year. Seems to enjoy exercise. Looks great in a wet suit and swim cap. Has three amazing, smart and gorgeous kids who don’t talk back.  Married to a guy who likes to bake fancy cakes. Say. No. More.

Honey Badger: Doesn’t care about what anyone else thinks. Is internet sensation without even trying.

Bill Gates. Rich Guy. Has all of the money in the world. I want all of the money in the world. Stupid Bill Gates. Gimme money Bill Gates. Gimme!

entmoney.com

Lisa M. Smart. Knows what art is all about and can explain it to you in way that doesn’t make you feel like a rube. Articulate and fashionable, sexy and goofy. She is generous with her time and money, even when both might be in short supply.  Will stand up for what she believes in and isn’t afraid of a little confrontation when she defends her principles. Can expertly apply lipstick without using a mirror.

Feist. Stick-to-it-ive-ness. Got to sing on Sesame Street. Pretty much what I wanted since I can remember.  If I was in a room full of muppets, I’d probably weep uncontrollably from joy. Not probably. It is a certainty that I would do this. Worked really really hard for a long time doing what she loved until someone with lots of money finally took notice. 

this should have been me

Now, don’t go telling me NOT to be jealous because I have lots of things to be thankful for. I know I do. But, like corporate America I WANT MORE! 

I suppose, to be true it’s not jealousy I feel. It’s just really really strong admiration and a wish that I, too, could have at least a portion the gifts that these people have. Then again, if I had what they have then I would just sit around all day thinking about how awesome I was and not needing anyone else for anything because I had it all, right? And if I did that, then I’d probably just end up alone and isolated in my amazingness and who would visit me and spoon feed me when I have my inevitable paralyzing stroke at 70? I guess my brother would, but that’s what he does every day so it would be no big whoop for him. It would be a pretty big whoop for me. I’d buy him Goodie Rings by the truck load.

Well, I guess I can’t have it all, then. That’s ok, I suppose. I have all these wonderful people in my life to act as examples and to provide me with entertainment, companionship and inspiration. I’m not jealous anymore. Just grateful they are around.

Except for Bill Gates who never ever gives me any of his money. I’m still jealous of him. 

And Feist.

Stupid Feist.

how things are supposed to be

I Love you, Tina Fey

I am totally in love with Tina Fey. I know, I know, you think you love Tina Fey too. But you don’t. I mean, not as much as I do. I love her way more than you do, and I want to enter into a non-sexual civil union with her. We could do that because I live in Canada and she lives in NY – the two places on planet earth where non-sexual civil unions between humans, or between humans and animals (or humans and inanimate objects) are legal. Seriously - Google it. Canada and NYC are, basically, identical twins geopolitically.

While we might not get married, I do want to be her official BFF. Maybe there’s some official ceremony where people can publicly declare their BFF-ness to the world, and, you know, be bound together by law. It’s not like I NEED the piece of paper, it’s just the sentimental fool in me, I guess.

(Plus, I’d want to make it awkward for her to NOT be my BFF anymore. You know, she’d be all “Ellen and I just don’t click any more and I don’t think we can be BFF’s anymore, but there’d be so much paperwork, so I’ll just let it slide for awhile”.)

 I picture us with our twin beds, wearing our matching pyjamas, reading dragon books into the wee hours (10pm). In the mornings we watch infomericals and eat Captain Crunch.

Or we could be totally casual together, just watching TV, catching up over coffee and flowers.

We will both have divorced our husbands and sent them off with (my) dog and (her) daughter. The men will cry bitter, bitter tears because they will have lost the loves of their lives and will be saddled with loud things that NEVER STOP WANTING STUFF! Tina and I will be conflicted, because we love our fellas, but we also know that we belong together, as BFF’s, the likes of which the world has never known. And with the men gone we can watch The Biggest Loser together while binging on ice cream and get teary without having to apologize for it.

Ok. Since that probably WON’T happen, I might propose that we buy houses right next door to each other and dig a tunnel connecting them. Both of our homes will have secret doors in bookcases that lead to the underground passageway. We could use the sidewalk outside, but that would be lame ass.

While Tina and I are off doing awesome stuff together, like riding lady bikes, crafting and finding the perfect matching pant suits, our husbands will stand around in tuxedos talking about how amazing their wives are.

I was a late addition to the Tina Fey bandwagon – I never catch on to trends that are just starting up. I had no idea who she was until 30 Rock came on the air. And then it was – it was like I’d found a piece of my brain that had been missing for years BUT I DIDN’T KNOW IT UNTIL THAT MOMENT.

I since have purchased her book, Bossypants, on audiobook. I’m almost done. I’m savoring it. I’ve learned so much about my future Super-Friend that has convinced me that the only thing that would keep us apart are US Border officials and a restraining order. Here’s why Tina Fey and I belong together:

We both love Benedryl.

We both have issues with our eyebrows.

We both found social salvation in Drama groups

We both want people to like us, but not just like us, we want people to like us better than anyone else.

She had a job just outside of Chicago. I was raised just outside of Winnipeg, which is often referred to as “Canada’s Chicago”. Wow. I know.

We both understand about cheese.

I’ll bet she occasionally waves bye to her poops, too.

A part of me knows that I will, more than likely, have to live my whole life without become BFF's with Tina Fey. It is probably for the best, in a way. We'd end up fighting over silly things, like her liking her children and me liking things that she is allergic to. Plus, she'd probably cheat on me with Amy Poehler. Then I'd have to leave her. I'd leave her ass and totally become BFF's with Sarah Silverman.

Damn Tina Fey. Breaking my heart.