Mistakes I Continue to Make

Some people learn from their mistakes.

I seem to have this mental block when it comes to processing when things have turned out badly before and applying gained knowledge to future action. It's not that I forget stuff that I do that ends badly. I just continue to believe that "maybe this time it will be different", regardless of the number of failed attempts at a given activity.

Some people might call it plucky optimism. I call it slap-in-the-head stupidity.

Here is a partial list of mistakes I continue to make:

I drink those French vanilla cappuccino coffees, or the iced caps so fast that I feel totally sick afterwards. But I never learn and I never shall.

I love this so much

Drink Fast. Very fast.

I fill up on bread at restaurants. Every time.

I provide my contact info to retailers.

 I cut my hair short thinking my weirdly large and oblong head can pull it off.

 Buy anything 2 for one when I don’t even really need the one.

Nap for 3 hours.

Think I can grow herbs indoors.

I won’t stop picking at it. I once pulled a wart out of my thumb. Root and all. There was a great deal of blood.

I keep trying to read Dune,  thinking that this time maybe it will be good.

Still incomprehensible after all these years.

I will eat 2 cups of cauliflower, 16 baby carrots, 1 c of raw broccoli (with ranch dip) and 2 c of honeydew melon from the rider at soundcheck. 

It's only healthy if you do not eat all of it. I eat all of it.

Then I will not be hungry for dinner. Dinner will be free and I will feel obliged to eat it because it is free. After the show there will be  some rider food left over.

Yes. All of it.

 I will feel compelled to eat it in case there is no food available for a 20 minute period at some point and I’d regret not having eaten it then, wouldn’t’ I?

Cut my toenails too short and then be unable to run or walk properly.

I will continue to order shoes on line even though I’m continually disappointed.

 Think I can have 1 bowl of Vector. Ha ha ha ha ha.

 Buy high heels.

Wear white t-shirts while drinking coffee or eating an apple.

Smile and say hello to the scowly couple down the street who never smile or say hello back even after 4 years of seeing me practically every day.

Brush the dog indoors. While wearing shorts. Right after moisturizing my legs.

Befriend crazy people. Give them my phone number. 

Buy cocktail dresses. I do not go to cocktail parties. I do not go to parties. I do not drink cocktails. I sit around in pants and t-shirts all day long spilling food on myself.

Drink diet sodas and get the resulting headache.

Whine about a problem I have to people who have the same problem that I have except their version of that same problem is way worse than mine.

To err is human, I suppose. But to continue erring? I suppose that would be time wasting, disappointing, sick making, insulting, fattening and expensive. I'm used to it.

Vector

I have a complicated relationship with Vector cereal.

Vector cereal (by Kelloggs) is marketed as a meal replacement cereal and their TV ads show lots of athletes doing super energetic things, things they are able to do because they have replaced their meals with Vector. They run faster, bike faster, jump higher. They are so fast they don’t have time to make a sandwich, they have to have Vector, instead.  I guess they are trying to tell us that if we replace meals with Vector, we, too, can be super athletes who look all intense and hardcore and sweat in a sexy manner.

I’ve tried this and I can tell you it doesn’t work.

Now, I love Vector, let me be clear. I love it so much, it’s wrong. I love it so much that I will eat Vector crumbs off of the counter top after Brian has poured himself a bowl. Sometimes I discover too late that the crumbs are actually dried up cat food. All for Vector. It’s a dangerous love. If I was not already married, I’d marry Vector and then divorce Vector because Vector and I just can’t live together.

Yet we can’t live apart.

I can eat more Vector than is scientifically possible.

They say a serving size of Vector is 1.25 cups. Who in hell has 1.25 cups of cereal, only, at a time? Come on.

I’d say 4 cups a serving is probably more accurate. And I can have multiple servings in one sitting. Easy.

It’s got to the point that Brian, my husband (because that’s his name), has to put the Vector on a high up shelf in the kitchen to deter me from depleting all his supply. It’s so close, yet sooo far away. It’s on that shelf taunting me, singing it’s Vector siren call. Waiting.

Waiting for me to, I don’t know, get a stool and stand on it so I can reach the Vector. Or get out a spatula and flick it down with a single reach.

Once in a while, I succumb to the lure of the call and get me some Vector (It’s pretty easy Brian). According to Livestrong.com I can burn off one serving of Vector by laying linoleum for 42 minutes. I can do that.  Linoleum can’t be that hard to put down.  Alternatively I can do “theatre work” for 63 minutes. That sounds like fun! And I really want that Vector. I figure I can keep it to one of their serving sizes and enjoy some of that Vector Nectar without losing it.

Well, we all knew how that was going to end.

For now, I’ll just try to keep it together as best I can. I’m hoping, maybe, Jillian Michaels will write a self help book on how to beat the Vector habit. She’ll use her no nonsense, tough love, therapy-speak, and I’ll feel all better.

And then I’ll move on.

To Mini Wheats.