Foodie Friday: Foods That Make You Go Hmmm.

And of course, by “hmmm”, I mean poop.

You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all got our “go to to go” food.  Some of us need little more than to smell the coffee brewing and that gets our rear into gear, as it were.

However, if you’re like me, and I know you are, you need a complicated food, prayer, and modern dance ritual in order to ensure that your digestive system is as efficient and as smooth running as Big Ben. And even Big Ben has come to a full stop on occasion.

I was on a diet when I was a teenager where I had to fast once a week and take a tablespoon of mineral oil. This was the worst way to induce poopage. But it was necessary. Later, on a different diet, I ate stewed rhubarb soaked in liquid sugar twin and that seemed to keep my long train a-runnin’. 


Even the idea of stewed rhubarb makes my stomach turn and my face goes all pinchy in an angry way.

Eventually, because my body’s natural state is to be constipated to the point of put-this-in-a-medical-textbook-already, I have to constantly change things up to shock my body into doing what everyone else does apparently. I mean, according to that children’s book and all.

Everybody, except me.

And the Queen.

So, I’ve done prunes and bran and oatmeal with flax, Metamucil - all the usual suspects. A friend in the dog park swears by these pepperoni sticks she gets from Brown Brother’s Meats at St. Lawrence Market.

 My friend Pere LaBouche, who is a maverick in all things, is true to form in finding that cheese pizza does the trick for him. Seems counterintuitive, but he is French so it explains much. Brian just looks at the clock and if it’s 7:28 am or 6:44 pm, he poops.  Usually he’s in a bathroom.

The folks in Greenwich use Brian to set the world clock.

I have found, in recent years that eating a kiwi a day keeps me happy. I mean, down there. Not down there, there. But, you know. You can peel it, you don’t have to eat the skin. It’s got some enzyme or something that inspires my intestines and has been shown to be efficacious for seniors who need a little hustle in their bowel shuffle (1).

 Papaya, too, can do the same, but is way more expensive than is the humble Chinese Gooseberry. Interestingly, people who are allergic to kiwi are often allergic to both papaya and latex(2, 3). So, they are likely both constipated and prone to unplanned pregnancy. It's a science fact.

Lately, though, I’ve found that the kiwi connection is not being made in my digestive tract. This once was the trifecta of poo for me. 

Sadly, no longer.

My family has sworn by my Grandma Reid’s “Health Muffins”, which, if you eat 2 or three of the little gems, are a sure fire ticket to make serious bears.

Fiona reviews the recipe.

unnecessary photo of ingredients.

DOROTHY  REID'S  BRAN MUFFINS

scant 2/3 cup white sugar

2 Tbsp margarine

1 egg

1 cup buttermilk or sour skim milk

1 Tbsp Domalco eating molasses (or other “fancy” grade)

1 cup flour

1 cup Natural Wheat Bran

1 tsp soda

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt   (okay without salt)

1/3 lb dates cut up (150 grams), equal to 1 cup   (or raisins, if preferred)

___________

Warm the dates in the microwave (40 seconds) to soften them and make them easier to cut up. 

Mix as for a cake.  

batter batter batter batter (swing)

Fill 16 muffin cups 2/3 full.
  

this is the stuff in the muffin paper cup things. 

Bake at 350 and check at 20 minutes.

Don't over-bake or they will be too dry.

they don't actually look much different after their baked, do they?

Recipe is easy to double for 30 muffins.  They freeze well.

____________________________________________

These are pretty much regular bran and date muffins and I had two at once with no magic. Maybe I need to have 12.

I would very very much appreciate hearing your tried and true remedies for the consternation of constipation. What works for you might help others to poo. And helping people is important.  Helping to make people poop will make you a downright saint.

¹ Rush, E., Patel, M., Plank, L. and Ferguson, L. (2002). Kiwifruit promotes laxation in the elderly, Asia Pacific Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 11(2), 164-168.

² Blanco, C., Carrillo, T., Castillo,  R., Quiralte, J. and Cuevas M. (1994). Latex allergy: clinical features and cross reactivity with fruits, Annals of Allergy, 73 (4), 309-314.

³ Shara, M., Lokesh, J., Baheti, D. and Goyal, S. (2010). Food allergy: Papaya: Pear or pain. Journal of Association of Physicians of India, 58 (Jan), 56-57.

Scary Poo Monster Face

I mock your ingredients. I mock them, I say!

Foodie Friday: Coffee. How Do I Love Thee?

I love coffee. Coffee is the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about before I sleep. Brian knows not to ask me to choose between him and coffee. Although the lack of either would make me very sad, going without coffee makes me physically ill, while going without Brian would just make me feel bored. And I’d rather be bored than be heaving into the toilet with a migraine. 

I guess I could wean myself from my coffee addiction, and it is an addiction. I don’t think it’s necessarily cool to be addicted to coffee. But so far it has not impeded my ability to function in society or go about my daily activities. And I don’t have to rob a convenience store in order to buy my drug. Although I would, if it came right down to it.


I recently got this Bodum. 

Yes. It is gold. I had originally just gone in to get a replacement carafe, but.... it's gold.... and shiny. And Good God What Was I Supposed to DO? JUST WALK AWAY? 


No.

I think there are three kinds of ways one can consume coffee. One can have a coffee; one can go for a coffee; one can take coffee.

Having a coffee is something you do at 6 am when you have to get ready to face the working day. You have a coffee in a meeting. You have a coffee while you walk on your way to the office or while driving your kid to hockey practice. Having a coffee is utilitarian: get this into my bloodstream asap so I do not scream at anyone. Communication is optional, and is usually carried on in grunts and gesturing.

Venues: Car, board room, kitchen, Tim Horton’s.

Getty

brewed-coffee.com

Going for coffee is something you do with Sarah or Ryan. You go to a place and you sit and you have a coffee that probably costs more than it should, but it doesn’t matter, because you are really also renting a chair in the cafe/restaurant as well, so it’s part of the deal. You go for a coffee when you will be visiting with your friend and talking about issues such as their fabulous recent weight loss, your unfabulous recent weight gain, celebrities, your out of control spending habits, Pinterest, their child’s antics, your husbands’ antics, how much you hate your dogs at the moment, food, fake nails, what the hell is it with Megan, and future craft night get togethers. Going for a coffee can involve lattes, with or without “art”. Muffins, scones, biscotti and chocolates are de rigour. 

I love muffins so much

Venues: Starbuck’s (and the like), fancier espresso joints a la Bulldog, Darkhorse, Jet Fuel.

Darkhorse

Bulldog Cafe

Taking coffee is a much more refined affair. You can still take coffee with a friend, but that friend had better have cleaned up a bit. You too, Elpoo. 

ala-parisinne.com

You take a coffee at a fancy hotel, or salon of some sort. You should probably wear a hat if you’re a lady, and a tie if you are a gentleman. 

Cafe Einstein, Berlin

Demel Cafe, Vienna

Hotel Sacher, Vienna

Sacher Torte, originated from Hotel Sacher in Vienna

Vienna coffee house

Austria, France and Eastern Europe are the best places to take coffee, although you could probably do well in Italy, although Italians more laid back elegance. Taking coffee requires a certain element of uptight elegance.

Savoy, Milan

Gran Caffe Quadri, Venice

Topics of conversation include hiring home decorators, general politics (nothing to weighty); acquaintances who are having sex affairs; hair dressers; your upcoming holiday in Italy (unless for some reason you are already in Italy and you will talk about your upcoming holiday in “America”);

 Coffee. Cream. Sugar cubes. And pastries. 

There are no lattes. No foamy designs. No muffins.

Coffee shops in The Netherlands do not count. Sorry Marcel.

There is no hierarchy of coffee. Certain times call for specific manners of consumption of God’s Bean. And sometimes, you’re just desperate, so you’ll go to Tim Horton’s. 

However you enjoy your coffee, I hope you do so in good company, as I am fortunate enough to do on many occasions. Go ahead. Have the muffin.

Foodie Friday - Bulldog Coffee, Toronto

I love coffee. So very much I love that darned coffee beverage.

Sometimes, if I can’t sleep at night, I think about the first cup of coffee I’ll be having in the morning and it makes me feel calm and happy.

I didn’t start drinking coffee until university and I put lots of milk and sugar in it. It was kind of like the gateway. 

Once, I was out late with this guy I really really liked and I drank so much coffee that I actually felt drunk. Has that ever happened to you? Or was I just a weirdo? I know, why can’t it be both.

I’ve drunk so much coffee that I’ve given myself a bladder infection. I remember because I noticed something was wrong while at The Keg. The Keg is not responsible for my bladder infection. But they are responsible for their horrible, horrible ads. Who writes those songs? I have issues with them. Their ads cause urinary tract infections. It is a science fact.

If I don’t drink coffee by mid morning, I get a migraine. I’ve thrown up from coffee withdrawal before.

Coffee is the only reason I am not known as Ellen -the Molasses Woman. 

I am telling you that I am addicted to the stuff. Are you getting that yet? 

I CAN NOT FUNCTION WITHOUT THE DEVIL’S BEAN.

I am not a coffee snob. I mean, at all. But I don’t like Tim Horton’s or Coffee Time. In this I am more of a humanity snob. But I’ll drink their swill it if it’s the only thing available. Desperate times and all.

I like flavored coffee and have consumed hazelnut cream coffee pretty much every day for 20 years. If that makes me a coffee slut, then colour me whorish.

But if I wanna get fancy about coffee, I go to Bulldog Coffee on Granby Street in Toronto.

I like meeting my friend Ryan at Bulldog. It’s our time to catch up, reconnect and talk about our friends and the stupid stuff they do. God.

Ryan, thinking up something hilarious and cruel to say about our friends.

Bulldog owner Stuart Ross  makes the best lattes ever. And with pretty art on top and all that stuff. He’s won all sorts of awards for Best Barista (that’s coffee maestro, not some British lawyer).

Ross at work.

Swan art photo by Haksuti Makata

Ross's masterpiece, photo by Jesse Milns

The beans are a special blend from Central America, South America and Africa, specially roasted for Bulldog with  a unique dark chocolate finish .  Sweet treats are made by Ross and Geoff and the whole darn staff, and are not for the feint of heart. 

That's right. I know the owner enough to get a hug.

cranberry chocolate heart attack pie.

In France this is called bread. In Toronto, we call it delicious.

Scone porn

chocolate dipped cake pops. Uh Muh Gud!!

white chocolate coated red velvet truffles.

I am not feint of heart. I’d mainline those blueberry scones if I could. 

(Geoff was voted Miss Gay Toronto 2011 which is irrelevant to the whole coffee aspect of this blog, but is an interesting fact. Not a science fact. But a fact.)

There is a vast array of espresso based delights with which  you may get your buzz on. 

Ryan's Bulldog Latte

Bavarian Chocolate Latte

Dark Espresso

My choice is the single shot latte, because by the time I get down there I’m already so jacked up on caffeine that if I have a regular latte I’ll be sent spinning into the streets. And not in an attractive way.

The original location is at  89 Granby St, just south of College off of Church St. in beloved Boystown. Hang out with writers, artists, and your new gay best friend. There is now a second location at 55 Eglinton Ave E.

Here,  you can go to meet your future business-man husband.

See you there. You’ll know it’s me because I’ll be posing with a latte. As one does.

This position in awkward and uncomfortable, but makes me look interesting. In a "I've twisted my body in a horrible accident" kind of way.

This latte compliments my ennui perfectly.