Tuesday Tantrum - I can't do my own hair

I have long hair. It's almost to the small of my back and I figure it's going to get there soon enough. Then my well intentioned hair stylist cuts 3 inches off of it in an attempt to keep it healthy looking. I think, rather, that she wants to snuff out my power, her Delilah to my Samson.

My hair hangs pretty limply and basically does nothing for me.

The only thing for sure is that it looks better than when I have short hair, at which time I look like a man in drag.

So I have long hair, but I am completely incapable of doing anything with it other than a ponytail, or piling it up on top of my head, secured with a large, unattractive hair clip. I am unable to manage anything else.

What I really want to do is French braid my hair. Or make those wonderful milk maid braids. I think I could rock that look, well into my dotage. But instead I will end up looking like Grizelda the witch from House of Frightenstien because I seriously do not know how to deal with bobby pins.

Other people make using bobby pins look so easy. They just pop a few into their "do" and they look like the cover of "Weddings" magazine.

One of those twins who always look like they are saying "prunes".

Whenever I try to use bobby pins, I look like this:

I've tried hot rollers, and I end up with this look:

When I just let my hair be, it does NOT look like this:

I need a live-in hair stylist.

Jules?

could you do this to me, Jules?

But really, I don't need to look all fancy for picking up dog crap and picking more God Damned Kale at the store.

I'd just like the skills to be able to make my head look less like a wilted chia pet.

It's so super hard to be me.