Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Tuesday Tantrum - I can't do my own hair

I have long hair. It's almost to the small of my back and I figure it's going to get there soon enough. Then my well intentioned hair stylist cuts 3 inches off of it in an attempt to keep it healthy looking. I think, rather, that she wants to snuff out my power, her Delilah to my Samson.

My hair hangs pretty limply and basically does nothing for me.

The only thing for sure is that it looks better than when I have short hair, at which time I look like a man in drag.

So I have long hair, but I am completely incapable of doing anything with it other than a ponytail, or piling it up on top of my head, secured with a large, unattractive hair clip. I am unable to manage anything else.

What I really want to do is French braid my hair. Or make those wonderful milk maid braids. I think I could rock that look, well into my dotage. But instead I will end up looking like Grizelda the witch from House of Frightenstien because I seriously do not know how to deal with bobby pins.

Other people make using bobby pins look so easy. They just pop a few into their "do" and they look like the cover of "Weddings" magazine.

One of those twins who always look like they are saying "prunes".

Whenever I try to use bobby pins, I look like this:

I've tried hot rollers, and I end up with this look:

When I just let my hair be, it does NOT look like this:

I need a live-in hair stylist.


could you do this to me, Jules?

But really, I don't need to look all fancy for picking up dog crap and picking more God Damned Kale at the store.

I'd just like the skills to be able to make my head look less like a wilted chia pet.

It's so super hard to be me.


  1. You and me....same. I though I was the only female hair spaz. Whew! By the way, I liked your short 'do' Ellen.

    Lisa 'Mullet Lover' Wells

  2. ok, this does it, i'm booking my flight. styling lessons for all!

    jules xo

  3. I once had the chance to take an adult evening course on doing your own hair. Think of the money I would have saved over the last 45 years, if I had taken that course. Instead, I pay, pay, pay. I can't do my own hair either.

  4. You should google Yulia Tymoshenko

  5. Hi, Ellen. I'm sorry if you get this too often or if these comments aren't appropriate here, but I'm a big fan and wanted to voice my admiration for you as a musician. You have a very beautiful, sweet voice and I wish I had been around when Crash Test Dummies were touring or more mainstream... I'm 18 now; I can remember liking the band as a little kid and I love it even more today.

    Again, I apologize if I'm gushing, making you feel awkward, etc., but I really wanted to say I think you are just fantastic.

    And I really like your artwork here, too!!

    1. Thank you, Conor for your kind words!
      Never apologize for gushing over me. This is why I have a blog. Because I am a raving, self-absorbed egomaniac. Thank you for fuelling my narcissism.

    2. No, thank you! Frankly, everyone on social media is like that to an extent, IMO; that's why it exists. And most people on it have a lot less reason to be so than yourself, and they aren't even humorous about it!

      I'm honestly not the celebrity-worshiping type, and I've never had any crushes on public figures (except for you. I could go into more detail how your voice, particularly on Songs of the Unforgiven, sends really great chills up my spine, like love personified, and I think you are beautiful, and that this blog really shows you as a funny, well-rounded person, but I'll quit that as you're married and I'm a young stranger on the internet, etc.). Again, I just had to get that off my chest.

      Now that that initial creepiness has been exorcised, though, I'd like to say I'll keep checking back, hopefully with more original/insightful things to say!

  6. And not to spam, Elpoo, but regarding my above post: THAT is a complete lack of boundaries! ;D

  7. I'm going to be 48 and I believe even when i'm my 80's I will never have short hair. Love long hair always. Maria

    1. We are the elite, Maria. You and I and no one else. Except maybe Crystal Gayle.

  8. I liked the look on the worms life photos... :)

  9. I totally would have, but a few minor details got in the way, like being 16 and in the UK. :)