Monday, 19 November 2012

How I know I'm old

Getting older is inevitable, I know. My writing about my getting older is also inevitable and will not stop so if you're looking for cute outfit ideas or interesting crafts to do with children, you're probably (probably) in the wrong place.

When I complain about getting older my friends' eyes get big and go from side to side really fast and they say "You? Never! You're not old! Oh come on, Ellen. You look... you look fine. Great, you look great."

Who to trust.

I trust myself and myself knows that I am getting old.

Here are some more of the sure fire signs that I am getting old. Do you have these same signs? Are you old too?

Here are some more of the signs that you (and I) are super old and lame-ass.

- I now wear reading glasses.

- I lick my reading glasses to clean them.

- I like Castle.

- I can't shop at Abercrombie and Fitch.

Another reason I know I am old is because I look at this photo and my first thoughts are, they must be cold, they need some shirts and then,  it must hurt the feelings of the ones who were told not to take their shirts off. 

- I wouldn't shop there anyway because it's too dark, too loud and too goddamned smelly with the perfume they spritz out everywhere. WTF!

- I'm thinking about buying a bungolo.

- I really like dried fruit especially dates and apricots. Ryan says that old people like dried fruit.

- I eat certain foods, despite hating them, because they make me poop.

- Everyone under the age of 30 looks 14. My lawyers and my accountant are much younger than me. I let them make important decisions for me like where I should invest my money and what assisted living facility I should move in to and whether or not to resuscitate. 

- The people with whom I graduated high school are now grandparents.

- I use the phrase "with whom".

- My long hair doesn't make me sexy, it makes me "interesting" looking.

- The need to pee comes on suddenly. Thinking about peeing, even if I went 10 minutes ago, will make me have to pee. I arrange travel around peeing.

- I can no longer "shop til I drop". I get tired after just one lap around Sears.

- Salty licorice is an acceptable form of candy.

this kind of candy makes children cry.

- I don't exercise for swimsuit season. I exercise so I can manage the stairs.

- I have to get Amanda at Yoka to read the washing instructions on the tiny, tiny labels of the increasingly more sensible clothing that I buy. I snap at her some times to "speak up and damn it stand up straight and what is this crazy music you should Turn It Down". She puts up with me because I'm "such a dear".

-When a friend says he/she feels under the weather, my first thought is not "oh, they have a hangover", it's "they are going to die now".

- A walk seems like a legitimate form of aerobic exercise.

- Dinner at 4:30 just makes sense.

-When I do actually shave my legs, I worry about slicing open a varicose vein by accident.

- And those veins... my spider veins are so dense they look like bruises.

- I ask waiters to turn down the music in restaurants. I ask people three tables over to hold up the menu so that I can read it.

- In the years I have left on earth, if I only have one cat at a time, the number of cats that I'll be able to raise from a kitten is one (1).

- People who perform in concerts that start after 8pm, and expect me to show up,  are kidding themselves.

Seriously, Scott. You know I don't leave the house, after 7pm, right? 

- I have a bosom.

There are so many other signs of my departing youth,. Like jowls. And the fold fat over my knees. And my attitude toward young peoples.

But I suppose the alternative to getting older is less appealing. 

Luckily, I have my health. And a husband who is so beaten down by life that he is simply too weak to run away.

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