Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Queen Jealousy

I want to be clear off the top that I am grateful for all that I have in life. I’ve got a pretty sweet deal, it’s true and I frequently feel some guilty discomfort caused by the horseshoe lodged in my ass. However, my good fortune and the awareness of such  does not preclude my become apoplectic  with jealousy toward certain individuals whose horseshoe is seemingly larger or shinier than mine. Or at least, just colon shaped so as not to cause them irritation.
Here follows a mere dribbling of a sample of the people  whose qualities I wish would rub off on me.
Amy Poelher -  Funny and Clever. Tina’s best friend. Whatever Amy’s got, I have to get me some so I can become Tina Feys’ BFF. 

Jane W. - Socially and Politically Adept. Jane can be in a room full of bikers. Or a room full of tea-totaling Mormons. Or a room full of children dressed as various fruits and vegetables. It doesn’t matter. She can initiate and maintain a meaningful conversation with any of these groups. She’s the only person I know who looks fabulous in either a pinafore or a black cocktail dress. She is politically aware, socially conscious and when she believes in something she walks the walk. Ate locally before it was “a thing”. 

Melody Gardot. Singer.  http://www.melodygardot.com/  Like I used to feel about Annie Lennox - couldn’t even listen to her without pulling my hair out from envy. But I’ve matured and now can listen to Melody Gardot and can enjoy it without turning green with envy. Makes you almost want to have a broken heart because you’d know you could turn to Melody Gardot to make it all seem so much more poignant and tragic. She would be my soundtrack for heartache.

My Brother - Musician/Nurse/SIngle Dad. Can look at a musical instrument and within 2 hours is proficient. He got a banjo for Christmas and within the day he was smoking on dueling banjos. He also knows all of the answers on Jeopardy. Can eat a bag of cookies a day without getting fat. I know. I’m not sure he’s actually a human. Helps people who are old and scared and fragile as they navigate their final years on earth. Does his absolute best every single day. Deserves a medal.

Felicity M. Athlete. Does a couple Iron Man Triathlons a year. Seems to enjoy exercise. Looks great in a wet suit and swim cap. Has three amazing, smart and gorgeous kids who don’t talk back.  Married to a guy who likes to bake fancy cakes. Say. No. More.

Honey Badger: Doesn’t care about what anyone else thinks. Is internet sensation without even trying.

Bill Gates. Rich Guy. Has all of the money in the world. I want all of the money in the world. Stupid Bill Gates. Gimme money Bill Gates. Gimme!


Lisa M. Smart. Knows what art is all about and can explain it to you in way that doesn’t make you feel like a rube. Articulate and fashionable, sexy and goofy. She is generous with her time and money, even when both might be in short supply.  Will stand up for what she believes in and isn’t afraid of a little confrontation when she defends her principles. Can expertly apply lipstick without using a mirror.
Feist. Stick-to-it-ive-ness. Got to sing on Sesame Street. Pretty much what I wanted since I can remember.  If I was in a room full of muppets, I’d probably weep uncontrollably from joy. Not probably. It is a certainty that I would do this. Worked really really hard for a long time doing what she loved until someone with lots of money finally took notice. 
this should have been me

Now, don’t go telling me NOT to be jealous because I have lots of things to be thankful for. I know I do. But, like corporate America I WANT MORE! 
I suppose, to be true it’s not jealousy I feel. It’s just really really strong admiration and a wish that I, too, could have at least a portion the gifts that these people have. Then again, if I had what they have then I would just sit around all day thinking about how awesome I was and not needing anyone else for anything because I had it all, right? And if I did that, then I’d probably just end up alone and isolated in my amazingness and who would visit me and spoon feed me when I have my inevitable paralyzing stroke at 70? I guess my brother would, but that’s what he does every day so it would be no big whoop for him. It would be a pretty big whoop for me. I’d buy him Goodie Rings by the truck load.
Well, I guess I can’t have it all, then. That’s ok, I suppose. I have all these wonderful people in my life to act as examples and to provide me with entertainment, companionship and inspiration. I’m not jealous anymore. Just grateful they are around.
Except for Bill Gates who never ever gives me any of his money. I’m still jealous of him. 
And Feist.
Stupid Feist.

how things are supposed to be


  1. Felicity Martini18 October 2011 at 10:33

    I am feeling the love. You are such a big sweetie. You are the most instantly inclusive (polar opposite of a snob) person I've ever met. It’s like you pick up your inner circle and throw it around those wanting to come in (me).

    I finish races at the back of my pack (why can’t I just be faster? What does the Honey Badger have on me?), the homework of all three kids gets done as often as Halley’s comet is visible from earth, with each year I look more like a seal in my wetsuit… but you remind me of the big picture. To be thankful.

    And you’re right – cake guy rocks. Married him almost 18 years ago. First date, we went out for muffins: he had duct tape around one shoe (the sole was falling off and he *fixed* it), mushrooms growing from the dash of his VW diesel, and the neck of his sweater was actively unraveling from the body (he loved that sweater). Know what I thought to myself? Yup, he’s a keeper. And he sure was.

  2. Ellen,
    I admire your sense of humour, your golden voice, and your remarkably realistic computer drawing skillz -- not to mention the fact you went back to school to learn something completely new after a successful career in music. I love the way you generously celebrate what's great in other people. And I love this blog.
    I am honoured to be on any list with the great Jane Wells (who I admire for many of the same reasons), your bro, Feist (whose voice is *almost* as pleasing as yours), Amy Poehler, and the honey badger. (I'm sure Felicity is awesome as well, though we have never met.)

    Love to you.

  3. Elizabeth MacGregor18 October 2011 at 16:26

    I know for a fact that Leslie Feist does not clear her ice. Top marks on Honey Badger.