Monday, 4 July 2011

Fashion Advice For Young Ladies

First, a caveat. I realize that I am not, in any way, an authority on fashion. I dress like a slob most of the time and usually never have the right shoes for any given outfit. 

I do, however, consider myself an expert on making fun of bad looks. But, as a feminist I should tell you that you can wear whatever you want and you shouldn’t listen to me or the media or the horrible men of the world – be strong in who you are and express yourself. But really, you should listen to me and do what I say. 

So hear me young ladies. These are some things you need to know before you leave the house looking like that.

It’s March. I don’t care if spring is in the air. It’s too early for flip flops.
No flip flops until after the May long weekend, unless you’re in Winnipeg where there is still snow on the ground then.

You need to wear a slip with a white skirt.

No platform patent heels before lunch, otherwise you look like you are doing the morning after walk of shame.  Sexy secretaries are the exception.

The only kind of choker to wear is one of pearls or diamonds. Anything else looks like a dotted line or that your neck is too fat.

Uggs. Wrong. Stupid. Wrong. Just stop.

Do not wear t-shirts that makes you an obvious billboard. Printing on shirts is usually declasse unless it involves unicorns, kittens in space or TV show quotes.  Wearing a shirt that says:

well, it’s gross. And I hate it. It means you shop at that store, which means you’re a douche who has very good eyesight and a high tolerance for having air freshener blasted into your face every 10 seconds.

No one likes the smell of patchouli and if they do they aren’t the sort with whom you should associate if you are lady of good breeding.

Also, why, why, why, would you wear sweats with the word Juicy emblazoned on the butt? 

It’s never classy. I mean, what are you saying? There’s a high likelihood of diarrhea in there? I think “Warning” or “Contents Volatile” would be the better, more honest ass slogan. Really, I do.

Young ladies, why are you endorsing a brand called T-N-A? WTF!

T-N-A is the same company as the store Aritzia, the clothing store for young ladies who want to look unemployed and hungover. You need to know that even my extensive training in social work will not keep me from classifying you as pathetic trash. T N A.  For Christ’s sake, that’s stupid.

 Why are there no brands called “Super Feminist”, or “4.0 GPA.  I mean, if you have an awesome body, you don’t need to spell it out for people. We can see. You should show that you can be a wicked hottie AND be all mensa. "Intellectual Booty Jeans". "Smarty Pants". "Clever Boots".

 And Applebottoms? Really? All that is, is an invitation for men to look at you and say that “yes, she is indeed an applebottom” or “she has no right to wear that brand as she is not an Applebottom and therefore is a liar”. 

Men don’t like it when we try to pull one over on them.

I don’t mean to rag on anyone in particular. I’ve made all of these errors myself and worse ones, too. There was a brand of jeans, back when I was in Junior High, called “Fancy Ass”. I had a pair of Fancy Ass jeans.

 I was 14 and was thin-ish for a few seconds. But still, I was 14. I did NOT have a “fancy” ass. My ass had only been in puberty for a couple years. Nothing fancy about that. Plus, I am of Scottish heritage, so my ass was wide, flat and probably woolen. Not an applebottom. Maybe they should have a brand of jeans called Moderately Overweight Prairie Girl Jeans.

My pants are always floods.

I dress like someone who has basically given up. And there is freedom in that.

But still you should take my advice.


  1. I love patchouli. Generally as a blend but I LOVE it. I rarely wear long pants unless I can roll them up, partly because they are always "floods", partly because I never have the right shoes. I'm not sure what my point is but I felt compelled to share.

  2. Patchouli? You might as well put your hair in braids and play hacky sack at folk festivals for the rest of your life. Barb, Barb, Barb.
    Rolled up pants are ok, because they are purposeful floods. Mine were not on purpose and I never noticed until people pointed it out to me.
    You always look put together.
    You always have good shoes and excellent toes!

  3. Bless you, Elpoo. The girls should listen to you and do what you say. Although I myself am guilty of a patchouli stink from time to time. But I can't play hacky sack. Nor can I juggle, or perform any of those other mad skilz of the bebraided patchouli stinkin' folkie.

  4. Know that I am a trained professional in this field and am fully qualified to supplement your list with the following:

    -Those rubber flip flops are only meant for the beach and the gym shower. Period.
    -Crocs are not meant for public consumption. Backyard gardens, but no further.
    -Athletic wear as streetwear. Yes, I'm talking to all those Lululemon-heads out there.
    -Sandals and socks should not be on a foot at the same time. Ever.
    -Capris on men merely demonstrate a comfortability with their feminine side. Not a good look.

  5. You didn't touch on and I am therefore assuming I'm okay in my jeans, basic T and a pair of runners, right? If not, I'm screwed because that's pretty much my whole "wardrobe".

  6. Carolyn, you work a classic look. Just be sure to never accessorize with fanny packs or golf visors, and you're right on track.

  7. Priceless advice, Elpoo, and should be followed. I will wear my uggs inside though. They are my winter slippers and I love them. I would also add that overly tight tops (especially tube tops) on overly generous figures are not good under any circumstances. I'm not being fattist here -- just an aesthete. And sandals that are too small for your feet -- no. Just no. You're a size 9, whatever, suck it up.

  8. May I chime in and request that the young ladies in question also consider their undergarments? A bra that fits looks appropriately like you have 2 boobs instead of 4. And no one should see your thong peeking out from the top of your pants. I don't want to be reminded that the same string I am seeing is wedged between your butt cheeks and smells like poop. Gross.

  9. UGGS are wrong, worse, wet Uggs. they're like wet potatoes. Just waiting for the croc ugg hybrid (crugg)to come out now. Otherwise what would i wear on my feet that would go with my french jeans...big blues or painter pants?

  10. If i wear my uggs outside it is with pajama pants to complete the I'm a slob but i have expensive slippers look. I do not however wear them with mini skirts,leggings, or on hot days.

    Ed thinks there should be sweats with poopy and stinky on the butt, i would wear those.

    In 7th grade I Had a white and red ringer tshirt that said "nasty" in silky material...I didn't really know what it meant but i cannot believe my grandma let me out of the house with it on D: