Thursday, 4 August 2011

I Got Nothing.

OK, I’ve ordered my new computer but it’s not going to get here for another week! Seriously, a week. What, are they just planting the seeds at the computer farm now? How long does it take to grow and ripen a computer these days?  I had to order it  online because Brian insisted that I get some weird anti-glare screen thing and basically, I just do what he says when it comes to technology and he does what I say when it comes to following social norms. We all have roles.

And so I wait.

In the meantime, no drawings. I’ve tried using the same program (Paintbrush) on Brian’s computer but it just doesn’t work.  It’s a real problem.

And the drawings distract the reader from the fact that I really have nothing of use to say. So I’m left with just random crap that is floating around in my head. Sorry, everyone. I’m scraping the bottom of my funny barrel and coming up with an empty spoon.

I appreciate the fact that people visit here, even the ones who get here by accident. So far my blog has had 14,000 page views. Of those, 3,000 are of the stupid Ted Nugent piece. I don’t even count them because people are obviously looking for awesome facts on “The Nuge” and aren’t going to read any further when they see that they’ve arrived at a blog that focuses mostly on domestic tasks and my digestive processes. Maybe I should write more on the dingbattery of the American right-wing. Nah. Fish in a comedy barrel, really.

To lure people to my site (and I do think of it as luring), I  need to up the ante. Like weaponry and computers, humour has got to be more and more splashy and over the top and multi-layered in order to get people’s attention. Gone are the days when it was funny to simply hit a man in the face with a pie. Now one must hit a politician in the face with a pie made with the apples from the farm that he agreed could be turned into a mega-quarry. I suppose that’s more like justice than humour, but you get my drift. I can’t just make a joke about, say, my bum. It has to include references to art, literature and politics in order to be humouristically relevant. And I’m just not that smart. Hence the drawings.

And no, there will be no drawings of my bum. At least not today. But you never know….

The next day….

Ok, so Brian figured out how to make my drawing thingie work on his computer. He is so smart. I love him so much. I love him almost enough to NOT show you this. Almost, but not quite:

Here are some pictures to make up for the last 5 paragraphs:

Woman with world’s biggest boob. 
She's sad because she could have been a sex symbol, but instead, she's just a freak. Kinda like Lindsay Lohan.

What Brian’s farts would look like if I were on acid.

My bum.

Thank you for making it this far into today’s blog. As soon as I get my computer, I’ll get my notes back and can write about something that will totally, totally fascinate you. I know there is something in the pipeline about my feet, one about various tv shows and one about something or other that bugs me.


  1. Ted Nugent Ted Nugent Ted Nugent Nugent Ted.
    Just helping with your SEO. You can pay me later.

  2. Fart jokes are always funny to me. No Western civilization references needed.

    In Jesus Christ our lord and savior-

  3. I feel bad about what I said about Lindsay Lohan.

  4. That's one hefty tit D: For a sec I thought you were talking about butt, now I see it's a homeless man, and I thought said bum was actually Jeff Bridges in True Grit.

  5. Ha ha ha, Jeff Bridges is my bum!

  6. Danielle, what are you doing up at 4am your time?! Mercy.

  7. I still believe that you are an entertaining writer despite the fact that you feel the need to delete any comment of a negative nature. But I guess that doesn't reflect your writing skills- it shows your utter lack of maturity. And I maintain that Ted Nugent is a great man with excellent morals. He does not believe in forcing gun ownership or hunting; he promotes our rights to do both

  8. Dear Tim Root,
    You right, I shouldn't delete negative comments. If I'm going to "put it out there", I know that some people are not going to agree with me. However, when people tell me to do weird twisted sexual things, I take it down. Heck, my mom reads this. So I just took them all down.
    I had to alter the Nugent blog because it was completely skewing my stats. I was getting hundreds of hits from people looking for info on Ted Nugent of a positive nature. Naturally, they were distressed and irked at my less than sunny opinion of The Nuge.
    While I certainly AM able to take creative criticism, much of the criticism was not particularly creative, and frankly, wasn't much of a defence of Ted in that it seemed to be scrawled by drunken man-boys. Your responses were more measured and I thank you for that.
    I do, however, maintain my position that the Nuge is the essence of un-cool. He has been quoted as saying he "hunts to kill" not for food. He also has a high school boy's approach to political debate. I don't think he is a great man. Not even in the slightest.
    As far as the whole gun law thing goes, I really should not have opened that can of worms as my intent with this blog was not to be political but rather to be funny as the world is full of enough politics and not enough funny. My deleting of the negative comments was, to be honest, part pride, but also a very good portion of just wanting to nip it in the bud. I am not interested in fuelling a debate that, if the past decades suggest, is not about to be extinguished.
    We are of differing opinions and I will leave it at that.

  9. Ellen runs one of the fairest blogs on the internet. Any old douchebag can leave a comment on her blog without needing approval and she doesn't edit anyone's content.

    Taking down inappropriate content is an accepted practice on internet forums.

  10. Also, blog owners have every right to take down any one of their posts for any reason. Also accepted practice.