True Blood

I’m finding True Blood to be a bit to much like porn for me these days.

It’s like there should be a “wacka wacka bow bow” sound track every single time Anna Paquin is on screen because you just know that within minutes, you’ll be seeing her boobs and Alexander Skarsgard’s naked bottom. Not that there’s anything wrong with Alex’s rear view. But really. I don’t need to see it that much. I’m pretty much immune to it now. Besides, I liked him better when he was mean and bad ass. 

Sexy Vampire

Then he cut his hair and they turned him into a claymation Hardy Boy/Ambercrombie model with pointy teeth. Not hot. 

The nice dad on a network TV sitcom.

And while no one should have to endure relationships with cruel, selfish members of the un-dead, hearing Eric say the words "make love" is about as sexy as an after school special. Actually, no one should use the words "make love" unless they are Air Supply and they want to Make Love out of Nothing At All. 

Nah. Not even then, really.

True Blood is a popular show with teenagers, which I wonder might be inappropriate. Parents need to be aware of such things.I suggest a rating system based on nipples. For example Little House on The Prairie would have a One Nipple Rating. True Blood would be 4.5 on the Nipple Scale. Five nipple ratings are reserved for porn and Californication.

And why do all the guys on that show have sex like they are dolphins doing yoga? The rather bizarre MTV sexy move is, well, not realistic, is it, and if a man tried that move on me I’d think he was dorky and laugh. And no one is turned on when I laugh ( because I laugh like a business man after 6 caesars).

But I suppose nothing on that show is that realistic. I mean, everyone is pretty much something other than human. You’ve got your Fairies, your vampires, your werewolves, your were-panthers, your mediums, your witches, your shape shifters. Why can’t we make it a little more believable, and thereby more interesting, and have someone turn into something just slightly odd, instead of freakishly creepy. How about someone who can turn themselves into a bottle of laundry soap? Who is going to attack an innocent container of Tide, I ask you? Seems logical. You’re being pursued by something horrifying, you stop, turn into laundry detergent, and horrific beast trundles past, none the wiser.

And, say,  who’d want to hurt a Were-hedgehog? 

Why no Were-bananas?

 Were-Laz-y-Boys? I wish some people would turn into reclining chairs. Maybe I should get my own show.

I suppose it’s just sexier to be an illiterate panther or a vampire.

A vampire who talks funny.

Super sexy. Um, I guess.

I feel somewhat insulted by the inundation of sex in shows like True Blood. Not because I am a prude or because it’s not sexy to watch beautiful people getting busy. I feel like the makers of these shows are telling me that I’m too stupid and shallow to want anything more. Maybe they’re right. I keep tuning in, like the other millions of HBO watchers. But I can’t be the only one who says “Really?” when every third scene involves someone gettin’ nekkid. A little flash of something once in awhile feels like your seeing something unexpected, naughty, something you just got a glimpse of because you were at the right place at the right time. With True Blood, it’s pretty much a sure thing that you’re going to see jiggly boobs and rutting butts. For me, it’s the difference between the unanticipated, super hot encounter with the stranger on an airplane versus paying for it. And as HBO is a cable show, people are paying.

There are fun things about the show, for sure. Everyone has their favourite characters. I’m probably not being too original when I say my favourite is Pam.

  She looks  amazing in pvc catsuits. She is also bitchy, vain and slightly bored by most things.  Almost like a real person. So far I haven’t had to see her nipples, and I like it that way. Haven’t seen Jessica’s nipples either, but it won’t be long, I’m sure, before they have her splayed out full out raunch (thank you, LGM, for that awesome phrase). Maybe she’ll just say “no, I won’t show my nipples, there are enough nipples on this show”. Or maybe she has crazy nipples that she is ashamed of and HBO got grossed out by. No one should be ashamed of their nipples. And even if they have perfect nipples, it doesn’t mean they have to sell them to HBO.