Tuesday, 16 August 2011

True Blood

I’m finding True Blood to be a bit to much like porn for me these days.
It’s like there should be a “wacka wacka bow bow” sound track every single time Anna Paquin is on screen because you just know that within minutes, you’ll be seeing her boobs and Alexander Skarsgard’s naked bottom. Not that there’s anything wrong with Alex’s rear view. But really. I don’t need to see it that much. I’m pretty much immune to it now. Besides, I liked him better when he was mean and bad ass. 

Sexy Vampire

Then he cut his hair and they turned him into a claymation Hardy Boy/Ambercrombie model with pointy teeth. Not hot. 

The nice dad on a network TV sitcom.

And while no one should have to endure relationships with cruel, selfish members of the un-dead, hearing Eric say the words "make love" is about as sexy as an after school special. Actually, no one should use the words "make love" unless they are Air Supply and they want to Make Love out of Nothing At All. 

Nah. Not even then, really.
True Blood is a popular show with teenagers, which I wonder might be inappropriate. Parents need to be aware of such things.I suggest a rating system based on nipples. For example Little House on The Prairie would have a One Nipple Rating. True Blood would be 4.5 on the Nipple Scale. Five nipple ratings are reserved for porn and Californication.

And why do all the guys on that show have sex like they are dolphins doing yoga? The rather bizarre MTV sexy move is, well, not realistic, is it, and if a man tried that move on me I’d think he was dorky and laugh. And no one is turned on when I laugh ( because I laugh like a business man after 6 caesars).
But I suppose nothing on that show is that realistic. I mean, everyone is pretty much something other than human. You’ve got your Fairies, your vampires, your werewolves, your were-panthers, your mediums, your witches, your shape shifters. Why can’t we make it a little more believable, and thereby more interesting, and have someone turn into something just slightly odd, instead of freakishly creepy. How about someone who can turn themselves into a bottle of laundry soap? Who is going to attack an innocent container of Tide, I ask you? Seems logical. You’re being pursued by something horrifying, you stop, turn into laundry detergent, and horrific beast trundles past, none the wiser.

And, say,  who’d want to hurt a Were-hedgehog? 

Why no Were-bananas?

 Were-Laz-y-Boys? I wish some people would turn into reclining chairs. Maybe I should get my own show.
I suppose it’s just sexier to be an illiterate panther or a vampire.
A vampire who talks funny.

Super sexy. Um, I guess.
I feel somewhat insulted by the inundation of sex in shows like True Blood. Not because I am a prude or because it’s not sexy to watch beautiful people getting busy. I feel like the makers of these shows are telling me that I’m too stupid and shallow to want anything more. Maybe they’re right. I keep tuning in, like the other millions of HBO watchers. But I can’t be the only one who says “Really?” when every third scene involves someone gettin’ nekkid. A little flash of something once in awhile feels like your seeing something unexpected, naughty, something you just got a glimpse of because you were at the right place at the right time. With True Blood, it’s pretty much a sure thing that you’re going to see jiggly boobs and rutting butts. For me, it’s the difference between the unanticipated, super hot encounter with the stranger on an airplane versus paying for it. And as HBO is a cable show, people are paying.
There are fun things about the show, for sure. Everyone has their favourite characters. I’m probably not being too original when I say my favourite is Pam.

  She looks  amazing in pvc catsuits. She is also bitchy, vain and slightly bored by most things.  Almost like a real person. So far I haven’t had to see her nipples, and I like it that way. Haven’t seen Jessica’s nipples either, but it won’t be long, I’m sure, before they have her splayed out full out raunch (thank you, LGM, for that awesome phrase). Maybe she’ll just say “no, I won’t show my nipples, there are enough nipples on this show”. Or maybe she has crazy nipples that she is ashamed of and HBO got grossed out by. No one should be ashamed of their nipples. And even if they have perfect nipples, it doesn’t mean they have to sell them to HBO.


  1. Yeah I am pretty much sick of Sappie, I mean Sookie.

  2. I think that if Eric shaved his head, he would look like skinny Brian.

  3. I'm in complete agreement. I stopped watching after Series 3 because I got a tad awkward. Especially when my parents and sister tried to watch with me. Oof.

  4. Sookeh. Sookeh es maaahhhnn.

    Pam has good lines, too.
    "why do people think i care about their problems?...maybe I wear too much pink."

    Yeah, seriously, Eric's baby blue cashmir v-neck takes the pep out of his step.

    Killer theme song, though.

    Ok I'm done.

  5. I was JUST having this conversation with Ed last night. I remember after the the very first episode i messaged him at work.."i think this is some kind of weird sex show". But yes it's getting a little much and I was happy I didnt see Debbie's nipples, i guess cuz she's not a SLUT! It would be nice if the sex was at least more realistic and less "inch wormy" or maybe not since my true blood dates are with my mom and sister :x

  6. I have never seen one episode of True Bloods... Is it any good?

  7. @Neeners
    I like it 'cause it's not grounded in reality Whatsoevs.

    The Japanese have invented a blood substitute called TruBlood. Sold at all local convenience stores. So now the vampires that have been scouring the Earth for centuries can come out of hiding and own nightclubs 'n stuff.

    Ellen says it's all sexytime now. I haven't seen 4th season 'cause i watch whole series on DVD in one weekend.

  8. It's getting ridiculous. There was one scene, I think it was last week, where they had Sookie and Eric acting out The Kama sutra. It was so un-sexy.

    Brian and I should really do the sex scenes for the folks at True Blood. We really do rock it out.

  9. Brian killed in the Baby short btw.

  10. Elpoo:
    Check out this site - third item down:

    Great site, by the way - HOURS of fun at work!!