Previously on My Complete Lack of Boundaries....
I’ve mentioned how Brian and I do not exchange Christmas gifts. While this reduces our stress levels somewhat and is totally appropriate given that neither of us want or need anything, it does make for a less magical holiday season. But I appreciate that in Brian’s mind shopping for other people is akin to repeated blows to the head, so I take one for the team and try to be a grown up about it. After all, he doesn’t ask for much, so I will let him have this one thing.
It does not, however, stop me from wanting stuff. I am a never ending whine of want. So although I am aware that I will be only getting gifts from my mom (pot scrubbers, homemade socks, plunger) and my in-laws, I still have a list for Santa. And I’m going to share it with you.
In case you wanted to get me anything for Christmas.
Ellen’s Wish List.
I wish there was El Pollo Loco in Canada. It’s the best fast food ever. People heaving cleavers at grilled whole chickens. What can be wrong with this. Healthy and awesome.
I wish for a world without centipedes. You know you agree with me.
I wish for a cello. And lessons. I’ve asked for a cello for, oh, going on 30 years. Still haven’t got one. Some people can’t take a hint. Or a direct and clear request.
If I learned to play the cello I would play it normally and not be super sexy, which is what I am usually doing all day long. I realize that statement leaves ambiguous as to whether I am, or am not, being super sexy all day long. Rest assured.
|How I would look playing cello but I wouldn't play it like this. She isn't a wizard, so she needs to smarten up.|
I wish for dogs that bark significantly (I mean, SIG-NIF-I-CANT-LY) less than they do at present.
I wish for someone to honestly tell me what I do wrong.
I wish the whole world could have a cat as awesome as mine. That would be my gift to the world.
|Glowing eyes means more amazingness.|
I wish that there were no such things as migraines. I’ve had only a few in my life, and some people have them every single day. They serve no purpose. Which is why when someone is being a jerk, we should tell them that they are being a migraine, not an asshole, because an asshole is actually a very useful thing and we would be in a lot of trouble without our assholes.
We could do without migraines, though. So don’t be a migraine, go buy me something!
Just kidding Santa.
I wish for a printer that doesn’t run out of ink in the middle of something that you need to have printed right at that moment.
I wish for someone to remind me every day that the universe is, apparently, about 46 billion light years across, so that means that no one really gives a crap what size jeans I can’t fit into today. I’m not sure how I correlated those two things, but I think it’s probably a science fact.
I wish for people to stop calling Jennifer Lopez an “artist”.
I wish I could operate all machines and devices without having to read the manual. I hate reading manuals. I’d rather fart around with something and potentially break it than read the manual and learn how to use it properly. I feel having to read a manual is kind of a personal affront.
I wish for everyone to have one thing that they really love that is permanent.
I wish I could sew. I could do the make up finishing on my needlepoints if I could sew. I would make an awesome comforter for our bed. I can’t find one that I like out there, so it would be nice to be able to go and choose some amazing fabric and whip a nice comforter up in a couple afternoons. Maybe with a couple matching pillow shams. I’d also make costumes for the dogs and Pirate Pyjamas for Brian.
I’d love a foyer. When you walk into my house you basically open the front door and you’re in the living room. It’s too abrupt. It’s like cold water in your face. You need to ease into a house. Not jump in. That way lies danger and a lot of dust.
I wish aspartame wasn’t so messed up.
I wish for a really good pair of mittens for when I walk Sam.
I think that’s all for now. Is it too much to ask?
If you celebrate, what do you want for Christmas?
I’m just curious. I’m not getting you anything.