Friday, 23 December 2011

Foodie Friday - Merry Binge-mas

My “fat” jeans are tight.
And here is the reason
I’m eating my way
Through the holiday season.
I spent November baking
Cookies and candies
And now I’m upset
‘Cause I can’t fit my panties
Or bra, dress or leggings
They’re all burst at the seams
Due to the sugarplums
Not just in my dreams
I spill out of my clothes
As I swill out on cheeses
I blame it all on
This season of Jesus.

For wasn’t it said
In the Old Testament Tale
That to truly love God
One must eat like a whale?

So really I’m doing
My true Christian duty
By stuffing my face
And expanding my booty.
As much as I love
the sweet salty tastes
It spells a full year
Of elasticized waists
And a full month of guilt
A sad January
Of seeing myself
As fat, ugly and hairy
Is it all worth it,
To eat like a glutton?
It just gives me gas
And a bursting pants button.
I suppose it is,
or I wouldn’t persist
In gorging on sweets
On the following list:
Almonds and pralines
And a chocolate torte
Brittle of peanut
Breads ginger and short

Fudges with nuts
Fudges without
(I’m wondering why Brian
Now says that I’m “stout”)
I’ll have a hot toddy
That begs for another
With chocolates that’d make you
Forsake your own mother
Peppermint bark
Made in my home -  A
Box of the same
From Williams-Sonom - a
Chocolate haystacks
I begged from my friend Ryan
Peppermint patties
I’m hiding from Brian.
Wafers of sugar
Striped vinnetarte
Imperial Cookies
Cakes whole, and in part.

Coconut clusters 
Lemony pies
A deluded belief
That the scale tells me lies
Must not forget chips
And cheese by the block
Crackers and french bread
Tins o' Poppycock

Gran Marnier and brandy
Mulled wine and grog
Hot cocoa and Baileys
Spiced rum and egg nog
With all of this food
For the season’s duration
It’s no wonder we all
Give in to temptation
So don’t beat yourself up
If you’re a little more round
Except for damned Kathryn
Who “won’t gain a pound”.
I hope that you’ll join me
I know that you will
In feeding your sweet self
Until you feel ill.
To eat, it is human
To gorge, it’s divine
So ease up the rules
Just for Christmas time.
There’s a time for feasting
A time to toast plenty
A time for Weight Watchers
A time for Craig, Jenny
I’ll see all of you 
On January One
All of us shame faced
At the damage we’d done
To our bodies and health
O’er the holiday season
Our hearts all cry “Mutiny”
Our arteries “Treason”.
We’ll drag all our asses
To treads and to Spins
To work off all of our 
Holy Days Sins
And while we’re all sweating
And bemoaning each mile
We all can take comfort
We’ll all have a smile

For misery likes comp’ny
We’re all Pigs of a Feather
I’m happy to know
We’re all fat together.
Go ahead.
Have another cookie..



  1. Merry Xmas Elpoo and Brian!!!
    Pictures look like our Xmas! Yummie

    xo Marcel

  2. Ellen:

    I do find your blog absolutely charming, because entries like this let me see inside the life of (I'm gonna say it) a very lovely person. All the best to you and yours.

    If CTD ever plays in the NYC-NJ area, my wife and I will be in the front row. Think, "Community Theater in Morristown, NJ"

    Merry Christmas!

  3. My dear sweet fat Ellen
    I'm with you on this
    The holiday season
    It's freshly baked bliss

    You should have seen me
    I ate like a pig
    Was fightin' like crazy
    For the last sugared fig

    Now I'm happy and round
    As round can be
    Into the sunset
    We're wobbling free

    Please remember that english is not my mother tongue but I just had to do this. By the way, I will always dig you no matter how fat your ass got.

    xxx from Berlin