Saturday, 24 December 2011

My Complete Lack of Boundaries Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through her home
There wasn’t one dog
That’d leave Ellen alone

For they were all hyper
Could not hear enough
Of the big old fat geezer
Who’d bring them all stuff

Grace wanted treats
Sam wanted chews
Gracie craved meats
Sam craved nice shoes

Both claimed to Santa
They’d been good every day
Lied through their teeth
To get their own way

Sam didn’t tell Santa
Thought he’d never be clued-in
To all the furniture
And floors that he’d ruined

Gracie claimed innocence
Her beady eyes beaming
neglected to mention
her barking and screaming

So on Christmas Eve
With a snack and a twirl
And a sweet bedtime story
Of fat legless squirrels

Thus finally calmed
And tucked in each bed
Grace behind toilet
Sam in his shed.

Ellen was snoring
Brian was too

And all of a sudden
Ellen heard a to-do!

A clamour, a ruckous
This could not be good
The smashing of glass 
The cracking of wood

Ellen tore off the quilt
Brian bolted upright
Grabbed the baseball bat
Prepped for a fight
Scrambling down
Prepared for a feud
Ellen in bathrobe
Brian, of course, nude.

They ran to the living room
Only to see
A room quite destroyed
An upended tree

And up near the ceiling
The cause of the fray
Was 8 tiny mice pulling
The cat in a sleigh

Bouncing off walls
Ripping the chair
Scraping the paint
They flew through the air

When at last they alighted
On the back of the couch
Mice unhitched the sled
Out the cat slouched

Onto her blanket
Curled up in her fur
Ignored the destruction
She started to purr.
The mice all a scrambled
Their work here was done
They never thought vandalism
Could be so much fun.

So Brian and Ellen
Alone in the mess
Ellen to the broom
Brian to get dressed.

Slowly they put the
room back as it’d been
It took them 3 hours
To get that room clean

Collapsed on the sofa
They fell into a nap
But again they awoke
Because of the cat
A meowing ensued
Like they’d n’er heard before
She was panting and squatting
On the newly cleaned floor

After a minute
Of grunting and mewing
The couple could see
That her nethers were spewing
Out tiny gold eggs 
That grew once they were out
To the size of a fist
And the weight of a trout

Brian and Ellen 
Were totally freaked
But not as much as
When the cat started to speak
“Oh Mother and Father
I bring gifts of gold goods
As Christmas time thanks
For warm laps and for foods

I regret the mess 
That we had to make
T’was the only way we crew
Could get you two awake.

Invest the gold wisely
Don’t spend it on junk
Now don’t get all whiney
Don’t get in a funk.

There’s enough for a bike
For lovely Daddies
And enough for mommy to
Pop by Tiffany’s. 

That’s all I can say
No more in the offing
Just remember the dogs
Have given you nothing!”

As the kitten returned
to her slumbering snooze
Elpoo and Brian
Went straight for the booze

To plan their retirement
And to wonder at that
All of their worries
Were solved by the cat.
With a scotch and a Bailey’s
They cuddled up tight
Saying Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good night.


  1. And, a Merry Christmas to you.
    Keith P.

  2. No wonder you like cats!!!
    Merry Christmas