Friday, 13 May 2011

I Am (a bad) Canadian.

I am a bad Canadian

I love Canada. I pay my taxes. I try not to be too much of societal drain.

But still, I’m an outcast. I don’t fit in. And there are 3 main reasons why this is so.

1. I am not crazy about Tim Horton’s coffee. If you tell a Canadian that you don’t like Tim Horton’s they will look at you like you’ve just offered them a bowl of dead kittens. But I don’t like it. It tastes like brown crayons melted in tobacco water. 

People wait in ridiculously long lines to get this stuff.

And then they throw the cups into the streets.

Tell me, what could be more un-Canadian than littering. Tsk tsk!

2.  I am really, really irritated by Don Cherry. I make Brian mute Coaches Corner. Don Cherry yells stuff that makes me want to rip off my own face. He dresses like a circus clown. He gets more media attention than all Canadian nurses put together. One of his suits costs as much as a nurse’s monthly wage.

I expect, for this, that I will someday be walking down some street of an evening and see an effigy of myself burning like a freakin’ candle.

3.     I’m kind of meh about The Tragically Hip.  Mutual love of the Tragically Hip is how Canadians abroad identify each other and later exchange Twitter info. All Canadians should carry a valid passport and a copy of “Road Apples” in their car, or Immigration Canada officials will investigate. To the point of harassment.  Canadians can be put into two categories:  A. Those who like The Tragically Hip, and, B. Those who steal money from senior citizens.

I also do not have an “I Am Canadian” tattoo, I’m not fond of bacon (don’t tell Brian, it might be a deal-breaker), and I don’t drink beer.

But I like Liona Boyd. If you’re a real Canadian, you’ll know who that is.


  1. Great way to enter the weekend.... Thanks E
    My mom took me to see Liona Boyd when I was a teen. I drink Tim's because Starbucks doesn't have a drive-thru' and I never like The HIP. Don is louder than his suits but he is a nice guy though I can't bother to watch "Canada's game", soooo. I guess I am a bad Canadian too, eh??

  2. I like your art. It makes me smile.

  3. Bad canadian, is that an oxymoron? or is it redundant...bwahaha

    Anyway, thank you for the link, i was only familiar with Jonathan Coulton for this song:

    I thoroughly enjoy your blog. I found it right before we were going to sleep a few nights ago and read ed your "about me"(which i love) I then went under the covers and continued to read trying not to laugh and wake Ed up. In short I love you blog :D

  4. I think that Canadian is trying to steal my dog.

  5. SGG, that makes no sense. Talk sense, man. Say something that makes sense. You should be less confusing. Do you hear me?

  6. I am intrigued by the fact you know what melted brown Crayons in Tobacco water tastes like.