My Complete Lack of Boundaries Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas

And all through her home

There wasn’t one dog

That’d leave Ellen alone

For they were all hyper

Could not hear enough

Of the big old fat geezer

Who’d bring them all stuff

Grace wanted treats

Sam wanted chews

Gracie craved meats

Sam craved nice shoes

Both claimed to Santa

They’d been good every day

Lied through their teeth

To get their own way

Sam didn’t tell Santa

Thought he’d never be clued-in

To all the furniture

And floors that he’d ruined

Gracie claimed innocence

Her beady eyes beaming

neglected to mention

her barking and screaming

So on Christmas Eve

With a snack and a twirl

And a sweet bedtime story

Of fat legless squirrels

Thus finally calmed

And tucked in each bed

Grace behind toilet

Sam in his shed.

Ellen was snoring

Brian was too

And all of a sudden

Ellen heard a to-do!

A clamour, a ruckous

This could not be good

The smashing of glass 

The cracking of wood

Ellen tore off the quilt

Brian bolted upright

Grabbed the baseball bat

Prepped for a fight

Scrambling down

Prepared for a feud

Ellen in bathrobe

Brian, of course, nude.

They ran to the living room

Only to see

A room quite destroyed

An upended tree

And up near the ceiling

The cause of the fray

Was 8 tiny mice pulling

The cat in a sleigh

Bouncing off walls

Ripping the chair

Scraping the paint

They flew through the air

When at last they alighted

On the back of the couch

Mice unhitched the sled

Out the cat slouched

Onto her blanket

Curled up in her fur

Ignored the destruction

She started to purr.

The mice all a scrambled

Their work here was done

They never thought vandalism

Could be so much fun.

So Brian and Ellen

Alone in the mess

Ellen to the broom

Brian to get dressed.

Slowly they put the

room back as it’d been

It took them 3 hours

To get that room clean

Collapsed on the sofa

They fell into a nap

But again they awoke

Because of the cat

A meowing ensued

Like they’d n’er heard before

She was panting and squatting

On the newly cleaned floor

After a minute

Of grunting and mewing

The couple could see

That her nethers were spewing

Out tiny gold eggs 

That grew once they were out

To the size of a fist

And the weight of a trout

Brian and Ellen 

Were totally freaked

But not as much as

When the cat started to speak

“Oh Mother and Father

I bring gifts of gold goods

As Christmas time thanks

For warm laps and for foods

I regret the mess 

That we had to make

T’was the only way we crew

Could get you two awake.

Invest the gold wisely

Don’t spend it on junk

Now don’t get all whiney

Don’t get in a funk.

There’s enough for a bike

For lovely Daddies

And enough for mommy to

Pop by Tiffany’s. 

That’s all I can say

No more in the offing

Just remember the dogs

Have given you nothing!”

As the kitten returned

to her slumbering snooze

Elpoo and Brian

Went straight for the booze

To plan their retirement

And to wonder at that

All of their worries

Were solved by the cat.

With a scotch and a Bailey’s

They cuddled up tight

Saying Merry Christmas to all

And to all a good night.