Monday, 7 November 2011

Jobs I Could Maybe Do.

I currently spend my days as a mild mannered housewife. I feed the dogs, the cat and the husband (in that order). I wash the dishes and clean the house (ish) and scoop the cat box and deal with the dogs when our awesome dog walker is not with them. I do the household laundry and the grocery shopping. I am friendly enough to the neighbours that they don’t start asking dangerous questions. I actually really like my little situation. It’s pretty sweet and I get to be all Betty Draper, but I don’t smoke and I’m not a God Damned whore.

I’ve had other jobs, of course. 
But there are jobs that I think I’d like, but have not yet got around to training for and making an effort to qualify and apply for. Everything just takes So Much Effort.
I always wanted to work in an office as a receptionist or secretary where I could wear awesome clothes and be really efficient and cool. Maybe a fancy law firm, or the like.  I’d want to be like Joan, from Mad Men, who is awesome and cool and is totally indispensable. 

I could do the accordion part, sort of.

But the fact is, I would be awful as I’m more of a broad stroke person, missing a lot of important smaller details, like the occasional digit in a phone number, writing the wrong amounts on cheques or wearing mis-matched socks, or  failing to brush my teeth.
My mother always wanted me to be a T.V. news anchor, like Beverly Thompson, World’s Best TV  Anchor Ever.
I trust everything this woman reads from a teleprompter

And I did think about doing journalism for awhile while I was in high school. I could be all smart and smug and knowledgeable and better than you. Plus I’d get to hang out with cool and super smart people who are maybe a little undergroundie.  Like Peggy from Man Men.  

But then I realized that I’d have to write about important and complex topics like politics which would require a certain amount of background knowledge, and have an opinion on it all that I could back up with facts and data and whatnot.  Again - So Much Effort. And politics makes me so nervous.  And Peggy can be so irritating. So no news journalism for Elpoo, televised or otherwise.

Hmmm, it kinda looks like I want to live my life on the set of Mad Men. Not really. I think it's more about the clothes.
Not really about the men. Tina Fey was right. John Hamm DOES look like a cartoon pilot.

Or maybe I could have a cooking show with Mary-Jo Eustace. We could call it “Big Boned Girls” and be super bitchy. That would be fun.

I love Mary-Jo.

I did want to be a chef for awhile.  Cooking delicious food for people sounded very satisfying, and I’d be paid for doing something I enjoyed. But then I heard that I’d have to stand on my feet for long periods of time and I hate having sore feet. And I hate washing lettuce. I’d have to do that a lot, I think. I hate having cold hands. 

I realized that while I thought I wanted to be a chef, what I really wanted to do was throw awesome dinner parties for my friends. I’ll get around to doing that some day.
The best would be if I could be a Famous Intellectual Salon Hostess. That way I can do all the things I’d want to do - wear fabulous clothes, make snacks for people, host parties and rub elbows with smartiepantses. And I wouldn’t have to do too much besides maybe run the vacuum and put out the wine glasses. I like this idea. The guests do all the work part of talking and having opinions. I just sit back, pass the canapes and get all the credit in the newspapers. Love this.

I'm totally the one in the blue dress - just pretending to pay attention to the Smartiepants, but really wondering when I should refill the cheese tray.

I read this blog article that talked briefly about the history of salons.  
It’s totally what I need to do. 
I need to find some inner-lechules who want to sit around at my house and say clever things.  I need to find a bunch of people who belong in a Wilt Stillman movie. I’m gonna throw them a party!  

Fancy dresses, but where are the snacks?
No, I need real, live smart people, not fictional ones. Ones who could be witty and charming without a script. Maybe some smart people who would bring a caged Ann Coulter and talk about what a douche she is. That would be kinda fun.

Melinda Gates, Bill Maher, Nigel Barley and Alan Richman discuss the grossness of Ann Coulter. No snacks for HER!

Or I could just continue having the occasional craft night with my friends who are way more entertaining and probably wouldn’t bring Ann Coulter in a cage. I mean, who knows what Ann Coulter eats. Raisins? Minute Rice? Children?

The best kind of intellectual salon is the one with smart people who like talking about the same things that you do.

That's it. My life's work will be my friends and family. They are a lot of work. So much cheese to set out and nattering to attend to.

Yes, my life keeps me plenty busy in a puttering, non-earth changing kind of way.
I'm so glad I've found my calling.


  1. i'm so glad you pay heed to your very important calling. i suspect your friends need you and god knows you do NOT want ann coulter anywhere near your home - caged or not! she could chew through the bars of any holding pen with those fangs of hers. (think hannibal lechter...)

    and yes, i think she probably does eat minute rice. raw minute rice. grain by crunchy grain. while she plots her next offense...

    jules x

  2. I like it lol You God Damn Whore (Whore Elpoo) Kinda has a certain ring to it You think?